I've written this as a dedication to single mothers, the one's who are doing it solo. Also, a simple guideline of what support looks like (Dads, you'll have your turn)
Single parenting wasn’t part of the dream. But here I am, years in, holding it all with two hands and a heart that sometimes wonders if it’s even allowed to break and what I’ve learned is this, there’s a difference between being a single parent and being a solo parent.
What people don’t always see is how much this life demands. Quick to pass judgment but never really been in your shoes. How there are no handovers at the end of a long day, how you learn to function while grieving the support you never got, how you become the soft place and the firm boundary, playing both the masculine and the feminine roles, the bedtime routine and the morning hustle, the peacekeeper and the truth-teller and so much more while enjoying the experience of being a Mommy MacGyver.
Presence Over Poverty
There have been moments I’ve questioned whether I’m doing enough. Actually, it hasn't been my doubt but the judgments of others, which are often so loud, that it's difficult not to question whether my lack of a steady 9–5 means I’m not providing in the "right" way or a way that others expect me to. I’ve felt guilt for hustling, for chasing creative income, for building a life around intuition instead of instruction but what I’ve come to realise is this... I chose presence over poverty.
Not poverty in a financial sense alone but the poverty of connection, poverty of peace, poverty of watching my children grow up from the other side of burnout and still doing it well.
Choosing presence means I’m there for the small moments, the hard questions, the emotional weather patterns that pass through little bodies trying to make sense of a big world with all it's expectations and that doesn’t always pay in cash but it pays in closeness. Closeness, I said. A currency I refuse to devalue.
The Weight on the Body
We talk a lot about the emotional toll of parenting alone, but what about the physical one? The body keeps score and stress doesn’t just sit in the mind, it settles in the bones, in the gut, in the immune system, the skin. Many single mothers battle adrenal fatigue, chronic pain, hormonal imbalances, autoimmune flares, major diseases, heart issues and so much more not because they’re weak, but because they’ve been expected to soldier on for too long without relief.
This is NOT a victim narrative. It’s acknowledgment to you, mommy, that you are valuable, you are needed and you are the only one cut out for your mom role.
Unsolicited Advice From The "Experts"
There’s a unique kind of sting that comes from people who have never lived this life but feel qualified to give advice. "You know, you really should..." or "Maybe you just need more structure," or "I would never let my child do that" and the ever-insightful, "They just need a hiding" or better yet "their father."
It’s often said with love but it lands as judgment. What they don’t see is that we’re doing everything, and I mean everything, from scratch, often while healing ourselves in the process and providing, topic for another discussion, as I often say. This isn’t theoretical for us, it is lived and sometimes, just sometimes, what we need isn’t advice, it’s reassurance, a little cheer and a reminder of how far we've come not what we aren't doing right in your eyes or in your opinion.
And no, it doesn’t matter how we got here... Whether we chose to leave and why, whether we were left and why or whether we never expected to or always knew we'd land up doing it alone. What matters is that we are here, showing up, every single f*cking day and all I'm saying is that we still deserve support.
Just to be clear, this isn't about disregarding fathers or the contribution of men, this isn't about them, it's about us. Since there will be single mom baby daddy's reading this far, it's about giving space to the mothers who are carrying it all and saying, "we see you, we honour you and you shouldn't have to do this alone." It's about separating the relationship between you as a couple and keeping focus on what's in the best interest of your child/ren.
What Real Support Looks Like
Maybe before we look at what real support looks like, what we should look at is what it doesn't look like because support isn’t showing up with solutions, support is showing up, full stop.
What support isn't for a single mom:
♡ It’s not offering advice she didn’t ask for
♡ It’s not telling her how you “would do it differently” if you were in her shoes
♡ It’s not comparing her kids, her life or her choices to yours or any body else's, for that matter
♡ It’s not reminding her that “kids need a father” or “maybe you should try harder with their dad” because you only know him as you see him, you don't know him in her capacity so it's not about taking sides, it's about respecting her judgments
♡ It’s not checking in only when things are falling apart
♡ It’s not assuming she’s “got this” just because she’s carried it this long on her own
♡ It’s not throwing money at her guilt-free and walking away (unless she’s asked for that)
♡ It’s not judging the odd days she lets the screen babysit or the laundry pile up
♡ It’s not offering “solutions” when what she really needs is a safe place to fall apart for a minute
What support is for a single mom:
♡ It’s texting, “How are you holding up?” and meaning it. If you don't have the energy because your own life has bowled you over, it's as simple as sending a "thinking of you" message, so she feels less alone
♡ It’s dropping off a coffee, a meal, or a kind gesture or even a hug with no words, without her asking, just because
♡ Asking permission to give your opinion or point of view or better still, asking her whether she's looking for an opinion, advice or whether she just needs a safe space to vent
♡ It’s sitting beside her when she’s overwhelmed, without trying to fix it, just being there so she knows she's not alone... I guarantee you, she has the solution, she just needed to feel held for a moment and to breathe
♡ It’s offering a school run, the grocery pickup, the “I’ve got your back today” vibe just in case she needed an extra half an hour to finish crying (lol) or because she was running late with picking up dinner or a meeting she had to squeeze in before school and homework
♡ It’s respecting her choices, even when they don’t match yours because the truth is that even if you have been in her shoes, circumstances somewhere along the line weren't or aren't the same
♡ It’s loving her children, without conditions, without judgment and especially without taking sides when either of them vent to you. It's about staying neutral and holding space for that relationship to grow and you watering it on the sideline, regardless of how you feel about it
♡ It’s showing up and sticking around, even when life gets messy because she is raising the next generation and needs as much support as she can get
♡ It's asking, "How can I support you" to get the most direct answer. You'll be surprised to know that sometimes, all she needed was a prayer and that costs sweet zero
To the Ones Doing It Alone
If you’re a single mom feeling like a solo mom reading this, I see you and I feel you. I want you to know that you were given this assignment because you have what it takes to get through it. Sometimes it won't feel fair but just know that later down the line, it will all make sense. Showing up for your child / children means that they get to see what it looks like to carry a family through all the ups and downs. You are forging a future because you are raising future moms and / or dads and that is one huge response-ability. You don't need anyone to see or know and at the same time, when it feels like no one is watching, know this... your presence is changing the story for your children.
We don’t need saviours, we need support, we don’t need pity, we need presence and we sure as sh*t don’t need more rules, what we need is more room to be human.
So no, I haven't raised my children entirely alone. I have family who believe in me, lifetime friends who believe in me and through that I've learned to believe in myself. I've realised that even though I may not have met all of you single mama's, that energetically I am surrounded by women who know this road by the strength that we've found through the fire and also by the love that says, "keep going, you ARE doing it."
In the end, it’s not about the advice anyone gave us in the moment, we only remember that later. It’s about the ones who stayed at our side, fiercely, without flinching, through the breakdowns until they became breakthroughs.
Love,
Keilah
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