22 Mar
I Am Whatever I say I Am

In 2013, my husband and I started marriage counselling.  Our therapist, Lauren, brought up Louise Hay in her attempt to convince us of the power of affirmation.  I could feel the excitement in her voice but I was skeptical.

She stressed the importance of reciting these affirmations, daily, looking into the reflection of our eyes. She even went so far as to say that we need 50 affirmations each.   To top it off, I needed to say them daily.  There was no way I was able to come up with 50 self affirmations and I sure as shit was not going to look in the mirror every single day saying these things to myself.  We made an agreement.  Lauren, offered to write 50 affirmations that would work for me if I could commit to reading them out loud every morning.

The first few days were awful, I couldn't bare looking at myself for so long and when I started reading the affirmations, looked down at the page so as not to make eye contact.  This left me feeling so frustrated and to be honest, I felt cheated.  Like, "this is the road to freedom but this is the only onramp to that route?" - what a crock of bull and especially the fact that this technique wasn't an overnight fix and we didn't have all these moment for the marriage not to work over night.

Needless to say, I parked the affirmations for a few days.  Curiosity got the better of me as I wondered what could change for me or for us, if I tried.  I discovered a really powerful solution to solve the self confidence obstacle and started building my self identity.  I recorded myself reading these 50 affirmations and played them on repeat every morning on the way to work.  My trip to work was anywhere from one to one and a half hours and whilst this was my only alone time, I spent the first 30 mins or so, only listening to affirmations and the balance of my trip with the earplugs in my ears but music blaring on the radio, subconsciously reprogramming myself. 

Of course, at that moment, I didn't realise that's what I was doing.  In fact, I didn't even know that the affirmations were working, they became a new habit I created and formed part of a morning routine for me, on working days at least.  Over moments, I began recognising a pattern.  My behaviour during the week vs my behaviour on weekends or holidays varied slightly.  Of course, our behaviours adjust with external influences and until we become our own captain, we learn about this gift through experience.  I noticed that I was my own worst enemy when I wasn't doing affirmations.

A break in the routine meant that I had to spend another 2-3 weeks reprogramming a new habit into myself but I recognised that life was bumpy without the affirmations and far smoother to navigate through with them.  So, I did them.  Repeatedly.  Daily. On particularly tough days, I would stand in front of the mirror and I may not have said I AM but would lock eyes with myself and say, "YOU ARE..." which made it a little easier to integrate in the moment.  Every so often I would update the recording so that I didn't get bored of my own voice.  

10 years down and I have a playlist that I've added each new recording into over the years and I listen to them every morning, from the very first one to current.  I find it rather rewarding to hear the tone of my voice change as the track skips from one to the next and without looking at the date recorded, I can hear the resistance to some words and am able to identify exactly what I was experiencing in my life at that particular moment which becomes another victory to celebrate.

In chess, a pawn can move 2 squares on the first move and thereafter, 1 square at a time.  Just saying.  I also feel it important to add that pawn promotion is a real move. 

Promote yourself here Rebearth - Booking 

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